excerpt from the letter i’ll never send.

I saw someone who looks like you - the built of his body, the color of his skin, his hands, his nails, his watch, his cap, his facial hair, and the way he did the boredom gesture made me think it was you for a second.

I sat beside him because it was the only available seat left outside the doctor’s clinic, and for some unknown reason, I couldn’t help myself not to scrutinize him. Maybe I like the idea of you sitting there beside me or maybe, I just like remembering how happy you made me feel by looking at him. Minutes after, I’ve felt the negative emotions again, and I suddenly want to crack up at that moment.

To be honest, I’m tired telling myself it was all my fault. Now I’m starting to think you just manipulated me. I regret everything, and I hate that I still think about it because that was the last thing I was proud of having until I gave it away and you took it.

Of course, I can’t blame you.

But you knew I was different; you knew my principles and what I believe in, and that’s the reason I’m still feeling like shit because I compromised it. You made me feel like everyone else because of how you chose to end it a week after - you just proved to me that you are what they named you for, though.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. You probably don’t care because of course, who am I? I’m just one of those girls, right?

You know part of me wants you to read this narrative, but also a part of me hopes not because I don’t want you to feel bad for what I’m feeling - it’s my fault for still feeling this way.

I hope you can be a man now. I know behind that masculinity, behind that “ I don’t care” spiel you’re always pulling off, you still care. I can see that because you’re a good brother to your sisters and a good friend to your friends. I hope you start thinking about the future, and what is coming after you because of what you did in the past so you can make it right. Stop justifying things, and be brave enough to face it - to apologize.

Also, stop being afraid to show your emotions. It doesn’t affect your masculinity believe me. :)

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